In The Big Bang Theory, Howard Wolowitz, played by Simon Helberg, while being a core member of the group, was always at the receiving end of many jokes from the rest of the gang, especially when it came from Sheldon about his master’s degree in Engineering from MIT. Howard also utilized his extensive knowledge of comic books and science to ridicule his friends in return.
With his numerous failed attempts to pick up women, using lines he thought were gold, he stayed single for a while before meeting Bernadette Rostenkowski. Now that the show has run its course after 12 seasons, let’s take a look back at some of Howard’s best and nerdiest one-liners on the show.
Ты очень красивая девушка.
No its not a typo. This is Howard Wolowitz telling Penny how beautiful she is in “flawless Russian” in season 1 episode 2 “The Big Bran Hypothesis.” The sentence simply translates to “you’re a very beautiful girl.” If you watched past this attempt, you will know that it did not work.
“Transient Idiopathic Arrhythmia”
In season 1 episode 6 “The Middle-Earth Paradigm” Penny invites the gang to her Halloween party where Howard attempts to pick up a woman dressed as a nurse by saying “If that’s a real stethoscope maybe you’d like to hear my heart skip a beat?”
When she declines Howard’s offer he clarifies “No really I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia” which refers to his heart condition.
“760 Degrees Celsius. The Approximate Temperature Of The Young Lady In The Front Row.”
In season 1 episode 13 “The Bat Jar Conjecture” Howard, Leonard, Raj, and Leslie Winkle enter into their university Physics Bowl quiz against a team that Sheldon assembled consisting of the university janitor, the lady from the lunchroom and, either her son or butcher (thanks to Sheldon’s broken Spanish).
Howard titles their team “PMS” for perpetual motion squad and the team is asked a science question to which Howard replies this one-liner as their answer to express his admiration of a girl in the front row of the audience. Safe to say, it wasn’t returned.
The first and last time Penny agreed to go on a date with Howard and it wasn’t even real. In season 2 episode 3 “The Barbarian Sublimation” Penny is frustrated due to being single for so long, not been given a raise at the restaurant and accidentally swallowing a fly. She waits with Sheldon in his apartment where she tries Sheldon’s game Age Of Conan: Hyborian Adventures.
After enjoying the game so much she becomes obsessed and eventually meets Howard’s avatar in the game where he asks her to go for “an afternoon of spirited questing followed by a flagon of ale at yonder virtual tavern.” She accepts and immediately snaps out of her obsession when she realizes that she has just agreed to a date with Howard.
“Liquid Waste Disposal System”
In season 2 episode 6 “The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem”, a young grad student named Ramona approaches the group during lunch at their university as she is infatuated with Sheldon. Howard immediately jumps at the chance and introduces himself as “Howard Wolowitz, Department Of Engineering, Co-Designer Of The International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System.”
Howard also followed this up with “You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well.” Another failed attempt for Howard.
“I know The Other Fellas Would Be Really Excited To See A Girl There.”
Another attempt for Howard to take Penny on a date, this time from season 2 episode 12 “The Killer Robot Instability”. Howard asks Penny to a robot fighting league in Southern California and follows it up with “It’s a big deal. There’s an awards banquet and a dance afterward. Perhaps you’d like to come with me. I know the other fellas would be really excited to see a girl there.”
Not the most convincing argument. Adding fuel to the fire, he later reveals that she wouldn’t be the only girl but the only “doable” girl. This conversation results in Penny telling Howard he is going to grow old and die alone which puts him in an emotional rut for the remainder of the episode before she apologizes.
“It’s Hot In Here It Must Be Summer”
In season 2 episode 17 “The Terminator Decoupling”, the gang are on board a train to San Francisco to attend a symposium where Nobel Prize winner George Smoot is speaking. Onboard the train Raj spots Summer Glau who starred in Arrow, Firefly, and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Technically Raj uses the line on Summer but only after Howard thought of it and repeated it numerous times for practice.
“I’m a horny engineer Leonard, I don’t joke about math or sex.”
In season 2 episode 20 “The Wolowitz Co-Efficient” during dinner, Howard calculates that there are at least 5812 potential girlfriends in a 40-mile radius using an adaptation of the equation to figure out how likely it is for them to come across alien life (which to the gang, the encounters with alien life and girls are probably similar in many ways) combined with his factor the ‘Wolowitz Coefficient’ which is “neediness x dress size squared”.
Leonard replies with “you’re joking?”, to which Howard replies “I’m a horny engineer Leonard, I don’t joke about math or sex.” However nerves finally catch up to the gang and they decide to go to the comic book store instead.
“In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream”
In season 3 episode 3 “The Gothowitz Deviation” Howard and Raj try their luck by going to a gothic bar fully equipped with makeup and tattoo sleeves. One of the girls he meets at the bar is called Bethany and Howard says “Well, if you like space stuff, I design components for the International Space Station. Which is in space. Where I’m sure you know, no one can hear you scream.”
Not only is this another one of Howard using his job as an engineer to try and impress women but this is also a reference to the tagline of the movie Alien.
“If I Didn’t Have You, Life Would Be Blue, I’d Be Dr. Who Without The Tardis”
In season 7 episode 6 “The Romance Resonance”, just as Howard and Bernadette are about to spend their first anniversary together, a virus breaks out at work meaning she has to isolate. Howard writes her a song and performs it outside her isolation window and it includes this line.
Does it count as a pick-up line if he already has the girl? Probably not, but it is a one-liner that proves his nerdy-ness and love for Bernadette knows no bounds.